I like to think that I am fairly good at controlling my emotions these days. However, this was not always my strong suit. Note to self: If (or when) time machines are invented, set the dial to 2005 and slap your 15-year-old self for sharing every single angsty teenage thought on public forums. Damn you, Xanga and MySpace. You made me feel so safe. Also, if you have time, please delete all traces of Dashboard Confessional and Yellowcard lyrics. Leave the tear-stained notebook alone. It's obnoxiously hilarious. Sincerely, 2015 Colleen.
Picture from Colleen's MySpace circa 2006. ~*~so artsy~*~
Compared to the embarrassment of an adolescent described above, I am relatively even keeled now. As a child I was loud and craved to be the center of attention, but one day (admittedly not that long ago) I started understanding social cues and realized there is a time and place for that type of behavior. Which is usually never....and no where. Overall it's not a super flattering way to approach life. It's ok, Colleen. Just tone it down. So I did. I have spent the better part of the past couple of years attempting to mold myself into someone I can be proud of. There have been plenty of hiccups and learning lessons along the way, some far too cringeworthy to share. The progress has been slow, but it has also been steady. Not sure how true this is, but I have heard this method wins the race.
"Wait, Colleen. I thought this post was going to be about patience!" Ah, where is your patience, young grasshoppers?
After some soul searching and reflecting, my current question is: How does one go about acquiring patience? I have been able to change things I don't like about myself, but this one stumps me. Unfortunately, I was not born with patience and could use some desperately. Why is patience such an easy concept to explain and understand, yet so incredibly hard to put into practice? I am legitimately antsy for patience. Oxymoron, I know.
The phrase "fake it till you make it" perfectly describes my ongoing limbo with this unforgiving trait. I might look like I'm completely fine to the naked eye, but roughly 95% of the time I have this internal capricious emotion demon throwing a two-year-old style temper tantrum. "I WANT IT AND I WANT IT NOW", it screams. Sounds annoying, right? It is.
The funny thing is, it's never nearly as exciting when I finally get what I so desperately desired. Once I have it in my hands, it's on to waiting for the next big thing. Although I doubt I'll ever be able to list "patient" under the special skills section on my résumé, I have stumbled upon a pretty cool solution. I have decided I will never stop living my life to the fullest because I am waiting on something else. Never again will I sit back and let life pass me by because I'm not exactly where I want to be yet. Waiting is an integral part of the journey and having patience is just a little icing on the cake of insanity.